I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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