We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Umm I'm too high to move.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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