The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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