4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
