Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
