I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
