I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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