I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
