how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
