Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
