I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
