You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
