Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Is Oprah even human
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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