Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
