Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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