Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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