I hate your face
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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