Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
