His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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