Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
