More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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