I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
