strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
