This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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