So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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