I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
