I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Randomize
