went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
