I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
