My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
