At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
