Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
