I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
