Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
