what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
