Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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