I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
