Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
