Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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