i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
