I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
