Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
