i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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