I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
