And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
