if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Randomize
