apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
