I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
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