I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
