You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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