They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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