Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
